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I've posted this in a couple places already, but figured I'd put it here too. Just a short ficlet I wrote today.


Warning: Some people may find the themes in this story offensive, especially if you are Pro-life. Just a fair warning.

Malicia MaCawber was depressed.

Not the regular, empty state of being that was often defined as depression, mind you, but the kind of depressed that happened when someone had their hand wrapped tightly around your neck, threatening to crush your windpipe.

“You better be joking.” The mallard snarled. His ice cold eyes had narrowed into angry slits, hidden behind the black mask that covered most of his face.

“I don’t know why this surprises you, all things considered.” The demonness replied rather calmly, despite the gradual compression of her larynx with each syllable she spoke. “In any case, I’m perfectly capable of handling this by myself.”

He released his grip on her. “Good, because I wasn’t gonna waste any gas driving you to the clinic anyway.”

“That’s not how I plan on handling it.”

“You’re not actually thinking about keeping it, are you?” Negaduck took a few steps back to stare at her incredulously.

Malicia crossed her arms; her tail writhed like an irritable snake. “And why not? I’ve always considered having a baby eventually. I just didn’t expect it to be so soon, or with an absolute psychopath who thinks that it’s perfectly okay to prepare a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with a chainsaw.”

“Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.” Negaduck waved his hand dismissively. “But that’s beside the point. You’d make a terrible mother.”

“I would not! I would feed it, and play with it, and take it for walks every single day.”

This was met with a blank stare from Negaduck, who didn’t bother explaining the difference between pets and children to his Partner in Crime with Benefits. As far as he was concerned, both were probably quite tasty with a bit of ketchup and salt.

Instead, he threw his arms up in frustration. “This is a stupid idea, Mal. Here, just stand still, and I’ll give you a few hard hits to the stomach.” He wound up his fist. “I’ll save you that pesky trip to the clinic, free of charge.”

Suddenly there was a flash of red and brown, and within seconds Negaduck found himself pinned to the wall by the furious she-duck. He could feel her hot-- almost painfully hot-- breath on his face as she leaned in closer until their bills were nearly touching.

“Don’t you even think of interfering.” She spoke in a low hiss. “I’ve made up my mind and I will be keeping, and raising, this baby. Whether you choose to stick around or not makes no difference to me.”

“Just don’t expect any child support coming from me.” Negaduck surrendered.

Malicia snorted. “I think we can both agree that with my lifestyle, I will have no problem providing for a child.”

“So you’re not gonna ditch your career in villainy to become a dedicated parent, then?”

“Why ever would I do that?” Sheer horror crossed her face. “If anything, I hope our child will follow in my foot steps. Carry on the family legacy.”

“You don’t have a family legacy.” Negaduck pointed out.

“I do now.” Malicia sniffed indignantly, finally releasing him from his precarious position against the wall.

“Yeah. Right. If the kid lives past the age of two.” He grinned darkly. “Face it Mal, you might make for a good MILF, but beyond that you have the nurturing skills of a shark. You’d probably eat the brat because you were too lazy to walk to the grocery store.” A thoughtful pause. “Then again, that would take care of this problem…”


“Just throwing the suggestion out there.” Negaduck raised his hands defensively and slowly backed himself toward the doorway.

Malicia didn’t seem particularly surprised, or offended, by his slow exit. “Leaving so soon?”

“Yeah, to the Negaverse.” He grunted. “Because I’m sure as hell not sticking around here to watch this hot mess unfold.”

“Gee, what a pity.”

But Negaduck stopped, leaned in the doorway, and regarded her with an amused expression. “Oh, I’ll be back eventually.” He smiled pretentiously. “So that I can point and laugh at your hilarious attempt at motherhood.”

And also because he suspected there was a pregnant NegaMorgana lying in wait somewhere at the other end of that trans-dimensional tunnel. It seemed that Public Enemy Number One had screwed himself over in both dimensions. Perhaps it was time to move to that universe with all the talking bowling balls, he thought to himself.
With a quick wave of his cape and a curt ‘See ya’, Negaduck turned and stalked out the door. Malicia shrugged to herself. The conversation had gone better than she expected. She had prepared herself for the possibility of a bullet to the gut, and had even conjured a few protective spells before his arrival that evening.

With the matter settled, she curled up on the couch, opened her laptop, and primed herself for an evening of prenatal research.

She typed into Google: Teaching your baby how to mix cocktail drinks.

“I will be an outstanding mother.” She smiled to herself, and gave her stomach a pat.

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